talkmagic.co.uk

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was fined for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a floor covering store in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband and agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying....

'She's not my wife'.
'She's not my wife'.
'She's not my wife'.

His funeral will be held Saturday

Mandrake wrote:Especially for Peter Marucci, a punny thing happend on the way here this evening..... !

Mandrake wrote:Especially for Peter Marucci, a punny thing happend on the way here this evening..... !

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Greengrocers, why throw away old, shriveled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it "organic produce" and charge twice the usual price.

When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box

If you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality. Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the effect.

Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

Lorry drivers. Make motorway driving more interesting. By waiting, until a car is overtaking you, before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.

By using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.

Bus drivers. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic!

Cheer loudly just after the draw for the lotto each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the jackpot.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

Don't put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Re-spraying your car? Cover it with 'cling film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Taxi drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.

Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

CHILDREN'S VIEW OF THE OCEAN

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6 )

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7 )

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6 )

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8 )

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6 )

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7 )

8 ) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6 )

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6 )

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7 )

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6 )

12) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7 )

13)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6 )

14)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7 )

IAIN wrote:what's black and white and read (red) all over?

a penguin with a nosebleed, or for variation a nun with multiple stab-wounds...

ah a classic 'out'....most people will say newspaper if they know the old joke...

you could probably tell the same joke over and over, just come up with alternatives, zebra with stigmata and so on...