talkmagic.co.uk

I like that one, consider it well and truly stolen !

Quasimodo. That name rings a bell.

My wife was complaining that no one ever calls her. I solved the problem by putting a "how's my driving?" sticker on the back of her car.

Just been to the chip shop and asked for fish and chips twice and sausage and chips three times. Deaf git.

I phoned up my fruit machine manufacturer. I said, "My fruit machine isn't working". The lady said, "Can you hold?" I said, "No. It won't even let me nudge."

When driving in the snow with the snowflakes flying towards the windscreen, I like to pretend I'm in the Millennium Falcon and that I've just made the jump to lightspeed. The wife reminds me of Chewbacca as well, which helps.

Due to inflation, balloons are going up.

I've just planted a landmine in the kitchen. The wife is going to hit the roof when she finds out.

Just ate a haunted yoghurt. Paranormal Activia.

You won't hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I need to Lilo.

I bought an edible chess set the other day. I took it home and tried one of the pieces and it tasted disgusting. So I took it back to the shop and said, "That's stale, mate." The shopkeeper said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Check, mate."

Some bloke just knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to save 10% off my electric bill. I said "OK", so the git came in and nicked my new LED TV.

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would go faster, but it didn't work. It just made it more sluggish.

I did 66% of a poo earlier. Two turds.

My ex-wife was so ugly that when she was naked, I used to mentally dress her.

I've just taught my parrot to say, "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!" Let the fun commence.

stephenmagic wrote:I was out the other day and i saw a man hitting a brillo pad with a hammer. I asked what he doing and he said he was looking for the way to 'Hammer Brillo'

(this will mean nothing to our international friends will it!)

Hahaha.. LOL Have you ever heard jokes about the DEAD SEA? LOL

sleightlycrazy wrote:

liverpool 7 wrote:Some very sad news. The man who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away.
His funeral is on Friday @ 2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30.

Reminds me of:
Did you see in the paper today? The man who wrote and choreographed the Hokey-Pokey died yesterday. It took 6 hours to get his body in the casket.

but its the hockey cokey

MagicalSmithy wrote:

sleightlycrazy wrote:

liverpool 7 wrote:Some very sad news. The man who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away.
His funeral is on Friday @ 2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30.

Reminds me of:
Did you see in the paper today? The man who wrote and choreographed the Hokey-Pokey died yesterday. It took 6 hours to get his body in the casket.

but its the hockey cokey

I can confirm it was the hokey-pokey at every church social I went to as a youngster. These major cultural differences were put in place at the Tower of Babel building site in order to divide the nations.

Aye. There's a theory that hokey cokey originated from the catholic mass, a parody of the sacrament, which saw the priest moving along the line of parishioners and occasionally sticking his left arm out, etc. brandishing wine and wafer.

Hokey cokey itself would then be a corruption of "hoc est enim corpus meum".

A similar rumour exists that "hocus pocus" originated in the same way.

Both are likely untrue.

As I understand it, the dance is Hokey Cokey and Hokey Pokey was the old name for a street ice cream vendor - The Hokey Pokey Man. Most of them were Italian and their name is a corruption of their inducements to try and buy - Ecce un poco, 'Here is a little (to try)'. I could mistranslate that as 'suck it and see' but this thread is supposed to be clean.....

We still call an ice cream a poke but the street vendor is not a hokey pokey he is the pokeman (not to be confused with pikachu). He drives a pokevan.
Fried chipped potatoes served in a twisted newspaper cone are likewise a poke of chips. No one has served chips like this since the Lord blessed us with expanded polystyrene.

Getting this thread back on track:

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a wedding.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill. Next time I meet them, they don't bother me."

The doctor was shocked, but decided to give it a try.

The next morning, when he came to his practice, he found a bill from the lawyer.

There are two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?"

Erwin wrote:We still call an ice cream a poke but the street vendor is not a hokey pokey he is the pokeman (not to be confused with pikachu). He drives a pokevan.
Fried chipped potatoes served in a twisted newspaper cone are likewise a poke of chips. No one has served chips like this since the Lord blessed us with expanded polystyrene.

Back of topic....


So basically religion has its finger stuck into another pie, no more hockey cockey for me, although I do doubt its religios origin, my School was a religious school, and the hockey cockey was banned.

Anyways lets close the "I believe in god" - "i dont believe in god" Can of worms before it explodes lol.....


Knock knock,
whos there,
ardvark,
ardvark who,
ardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.

Clean but not politically correct.....

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

(Mandrake scurries off quietly to avoid the oncoming rage.....)

Sorry to hear bout you losing that Sky Sports gig Mandrake

Yeah, no idea why....

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."