talkmagic.co.uk

Tomo wrote:

iummydd wrote:Ever heard the one about the man from Nantucket ?

He lost his teeth in a bucket?

No... the one that his $%#@ was so long he could suck it...

iummydd wrote:No... the one that his $%#@ was so long he could suck it...

Christ on a Bike deck! Without putting his back out?

That was...quite great...

I'll tell you about my mother in law. Talk about fat! It's ideal for cooking. Mind you, I've always been a bit naive. For years, I thought Ertha Kitt was a gardening set...

First one is a really bad, old short joke.

Knock knock who's there?

Second one is only dirty if your mind already is, honest!

A chinese father was talking to his three daughters about the type of man they would marry.

First daughter.
I want to marry a man with a tatoo of a dragon on his back.

Second daughter.
I want to marry a man with a dragon on his chest.

Third daughter.
I want to marry a man with his dragon on the floor. (you might have to say it out loud )

Hope these were bad enough!

What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

Swim for it...

What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?
-Get off
What did the cow say to the farmer on the roof?
-Mooo

The worlds leading expert on wasps is walking past a record shop when he notices 'The World of Wasps' soundtrack in the window.

Intruiged, he goes inside and asks if he can listen to it. Dropping the needle onto the record he's confronted by a loud buzzing sound which he doesn't recognise as that of any known wasp.

The next track is the same as is the next track after that and he still doesn't recognise the buzzing sounds as that of a wasp.

He returns the record to the counter and tells the store owner that his faith in his wasp expertise has been shattered as he doesn;t recognise ANY of the wasp sounds.

"Oh, don't worry" says the shop owner - "you must have been playing the Bee side".

What hangs around parks and drinks blood?

A trampire!

UPSET WIFE!

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results use two coats."

Great news!

A British company is developing computer chips that store and playback music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Sally's husband died after a long illness. He had set aside £30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, Sally tells her closest friend Cheryl, that "there is absolutely nothing left from the £30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was £6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was £500, and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "£22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunken ass off the kid's merry-go-round!

=========================================

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA
agent and that the dog is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: "Watch this."

He tells Sniffer to search...

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns
to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,
and this time, he places two paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of! his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came
racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place!

The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent: "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

"He just found a bomb!"

LOL! That is majestic!